Looking for the Little Things

I wrote this post quite some time ago - as my slide into mental "stuff" began.  I couldn't post it.  Now I am strong enough to look at it and laugh.  I hope that you laugh also.

Last month was a drippy month.  The kind where the "drip, drip, drip" of life begins to get to you...

Starting with a dented bumper.  Another car needing a new radiator.  A cold.  Recurring nosebleeds.  A "sick" cat.  A "barfing" cat (not the same one).  A pair of ruined "favorite" bluejeans.  A "flu like illness".  Another "flu like illness" but accompanied by a fever and intestinal symptoms.  The sprouting of the post rain "sea of weeds" in the garden.  The "missing" loaner text book that was actually turned in (we have witnesses).

Now, mind you, all of these things did not happen to me personally.  I wasn't the one with the nosebleeds - I was the one who got to soak the pillowcases to get the blood stains out.  I wasn't the one with the "flu like illness"(es) - but I was the one who got to run to the store for gatorade and immodium.  I wasn't even the sick or barfing cat - but I was the one who got to take a half of a vacation day to run the sick one to the vet and the one who got to step in the (cold wet) barf in the dark.  I was the one, however, who sat on a railroad tie and got tar on my favorite jeans.  And I am the one who is working my way through the overgrown dandelions in the vegetable garden, one small section at a time so that by the time I finish I will be able to start all over again at the beginning.  And I am not the one who has to fight with the bookstore about the book.  I am just the one who has to pay the bill when the fight is unsuccessful - as there is no "return receipt".

This leaves me looking for little things to be grateful for:

• They now make enzyme pre-soak so that the blood will come out of the pillowcases.
• The flu-like illnesses where short lived and not so terrible.
• The "sick" cat was just fine - just a little bruised and tender from being pushed off of some high object by one of his sisters (they think).
• The "barfing" cat is not sick - she just has a "delicate tummy" - she should never be plagued by hairballs.
• In our area rain is not a year long phenomenon and soon the weeds will die off by themselves and the only things growing will be what we actually irrigate (so the current weeding is more of an esthetic exercise than a necessary one).
• The bumper can be fixed.
• The new radiator took care of the coolant leak.
• My old gardening jeans were so ragged that a new pair was actually welcome.

I am not normally a "positive" person who sees the good in everything.  I have to really look for it - after being reminded to actually look.  Last month was good exercise.

Broken

I fell off the world about 2 months ago.  I could feel it coming - my brain had gone all "kerwhacketty" and all of the things that I have learned to do to halt the slide were not working.  The list includes prayer, new projects in the house or garden, spending quality time with family, seeing my doctor...and on and on.  My family referred to me as "Bungee Cord Mom".  One minute I was crying and the next I was racing around like a banshee with more energy than I knew what to do with.

Nothing Worked.

I became suicidal.

I wound up in a psychiatric ward for a week.

I am still seeing that psychiatrist.  Weekly.

I feel like a giant human Chemistry Experiment.

The medications are being adjusted each week depending on what is happening::  "Let's give you something to regulate your moods - that is the first priority."  "Your manic side is breaking through - that is cause for alarm" - "We need to add more anxiety medication, lets' add a new medication to those you already take and increase the dosage of the others."- "You aren't sleeping, that needs to be addressed."

Yes, after years of being treated for Major Depressive Disorder I have been "rediagnosed" with Bipolar Disorder...

At least it can be treated and in another month or so I should no longer be Broken.